"The problem with setting a school in a castle," mused Rowena Ravenclaw out loud as she stalked the stone corridors in her thigh high dragon leather boots, six inch heels clicking brightly, "is that it's SO BLOODY BIG!"
"I say," exclaimed a nearby painting. "What's the noise there?"
"Quiet!" ordered Rowena. "Or it's the turpentine for you!"
The painting shivered delightedly. Rowena arched one perfect eyebrow at it, snorted and stormed off, ignoring the wistful sighs that followed her up the corridor. Blasting the doors aside with a sharp flick of her wand, she strode dramatically into the Great Hall, stopped in a well placed shaft of light, knocked her hair back from her shoulders with an arrogant toss of head and proclaimed, "Finally, we are together! Here to make our mark on history, to form a school that through all the ages to come will bring the best and the brightest to fulfil their potential under our guiding principles of bravery, intelligence, loyalty and cunning! People will look back upon this day and say, there began the Golden Age!"
There was no response.
There was no one else in the hall.
"Bollocks!" swore Rowena and, with her usual full-lung-ed gusto, bellowed "Helga! Hellllgaaa!"
Her voice echoed away into the rafters.
"Where the bloody hell is everywhere?" Rowena asked the empty room. The candelabras shrugged. "I should have those squeaky little bastards put up signs. HELLLGAAA!"
"Coming!" Footsteps sounded outside and then Helga Hufflepuff was bustling into the room, large as life, resplendent in a white and cream and looking not unlike a large bag of flour with legs. She was red cheeked and widely smiling, putting her hair up with clothes pins. "You bellowed?"
"What kept you?" demanded Rowena.
"I'm sorry, I was making sure the grounds men were digging the herb garden to my specification. They're working quite hard, you know, out there on the land, with their robes off, working up a sweat, all those rippling muscles and-- oh, my!" Helga blushed, turning her head away and fanning her red cheeks with one puffy hand.
"Where have the others got to?" asked Rowena.
"Oh, well, Salazar's gone out to get Gryffindor, like you asked," said Helga. "You know, so we have an even number of houses. I'm sure they won't be long, but, well, you know what those two are like. Salazar's always teasing Gryffindor. It's quite sweet really. Their love is so confrontational."
"Won't be long?" repeated Rowena, incredulously. "Won't be long?! We. Had. A meeting!" She stamped a foot, stone cracking under her hell. "Great Merlin's Balls! Wizards these days, absolutely no bloody discipline, that's your problem." She cracked her knuckles irritably. "Well, we'll soon beat those lessons in, once we get this school open. Soon as those idiots stop gallivanting around the countryside!"
"I'm sure they'll be here any second," soothed Helga and, quickly changing the subject, added, "I like your boots."
Rowena smiled thinly, twisting one leg to show off her heel. "They are rather spiffy, aren't they?"
"Oh, indeed," agreed Helga. "But, well, don't you think you should be wearing something with them?"
Before Rowena could answer, hoof beats clip-clopped outside the door, and they both turned around to see Godric Gryffindor enter, wearing his usual armour, wand in the scabbard at his side and leading his expensive looking warhorse behind him.
"I say," he called, "what ho! Jolly hard work getting a horse up those stairs, wot?"
"Why didn't you leave him in the stables?" asked Helga.
"We have stables? Jolly good show! I'll do some hunting between teaching these little blighters wot wot, eh? Where are the little buggers, then?"
"We haven't opened the school yet," snapped Rowena. "We were waiting for you and Salazer."
"Sorry 'bout the delay, Ro," grinned Godric. "Was distracted by a fine filly on the way in! Lovely piece of tail on her!"
"Don't call me Ro," snapped Rowena. "And you are using filly as a euphemism for girl, I presume?"
"Er ...yes?" said Godric, scratching his head in good natured confusion and knocking his hat askew.
"I say," exclaimed the hat. "Sort me out, would you?"
"Quiet," snapped Rowena, slapping it back straight.
"Feisty," growled the hat lecherously.
"I'll say," agreed Godric, laughing and slapping Rowena on the bottom.
"Do that again and I'll have your balls for garters," snapped Rowena.
"I say, steady on there, girl," grinned Godric.
"You can smack my bottom if you want," simpered Helga.
"Wey-hey," laughed Godric and did so. Helga jumped and squealed and giggled.
"Shut up the lot of you," yelled Rowena. She took a half-step backwards, placed her fists on her hips and proclaimed, "Finally! We are together! Here to make our mark on--"
"Er, no we're not," interrupted Helga.
Rowena fixed her with a death glare.
"Well, it's just that Salazer isn't here yet," pointed out Helga.
"Then where the bloody hell is he?" demanded Rowena, turning on Godric. "Isn't he supposed to be with you?"
"He said he had to get changed," shrugged Godric who quite happily wore the same armour for months on end.
Seeing Rowena's ire mount, Helga quickly said "I'm sure he's--"
"Right here," announced the man himself, entering the room behind them.
"Okay," said Rowena. She took a deep breath, chest heaving dramatically, and proclaimed, "Finally, we are together! Here to make our mark on -- what the bloody hell are you wearing, Slytherin?!"
"You may call me Sally," trilled Slytherin, spinning around to show off the floating floral patterned curves of his pale green dress. "Say... does my bum look big in this?"
There was a long silence.
"I say," exclaimed Godric, "look at the arse on that one!"
"Oh, you," blushed Slytherin, ducking his head and giggling.
"My riding crop," snapped Rowena. "Right now!"
"Yes, mistress," grinned Helga, and skipped away, whistling happily to herself. She hadn't been entirely sure about the teaching business, but Hogwarts was quickly turning out to have the most delightful perks.